Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Randomize
