Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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