All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
