Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
