either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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