this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
