I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
