I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
