Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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