I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
