apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
