What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
