he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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