I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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