A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
