What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
