She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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