my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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