I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize