Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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