When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
