i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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