how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
