6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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