Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
