I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
