so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
