I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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