in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
