I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
