I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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