Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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