anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
