Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You ruined the universe
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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