now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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