I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
