You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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