just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Randomize
