Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
