I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
