I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Randomize
