I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
