i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
