Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
