I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize