It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
