this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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