You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
