I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
