Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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