Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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