oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
