I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize