i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
