Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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